You’ve toured all of the retail and food establishments in your neighborhood and you’ve decided the wine store has the highest fucktential, which is a word you made up that means potential for fuckatude, which is another made up word, though you didn’t make that one up (your Mom used to use it…
If you’ve tried to break it off with a guy and he just won’t be a team player, the only way to get him out of your life is to convince him that you’re dead. But it’s got to be convincing!
Find a girl who has the same build as you and mail her some of your jewelry. She’ll be confused at first, but eventually she’ll put on the jewelry and go outside because that’s what people do. When you see her in your jewelry, run up to her and hand her your wallet. Say to her, “I want you to have this. It’s what I want.” She’ll again be confused by such random behavior, but she’ll take the wallet because it would be rude not to.
When she puts the wallet into her pocket, spray her with gasoline, making sure to get her face and hands really wet with the gas, and then set her on fire. Once she’s dead, kick all her teeth in and steal them. When the police come, they’ll say, “Her face, hands, and teeth are gone, so we’ll have to identify her by her jewelry and her wallet.” They’ll report you officially dead and your boyfriend will mourn you and you’ll be single. Not only will you never have to kiss him again, but all your credit card debt will be wiped clean! Hide out in a safehouse for at least six months before dating again.
Warning: Using this breakup method can cause you to be tried and convicted for first-degree murder, a capital offense.
You should unveil the tattoo like you’re really excited about it, and like you don’t have a clue that there’s anything wrong with it. It should be a tattoo that makes him feel awful every time he lays his eyes on it, so that he feels dread every time you take your clothes off. You could go with a photo-rendering of the smoking twin towers of the World Trade Center rising up from your pelvis. Or perhaps Sarah Palin’s winking face with a big red heart drawn around it. Or the words, “I Didn’t Text Ten Dollars To Haiti.” Or just go with your best judgment. You know your man and you know exactly what kind of tattoo will so completely offend his sensibilities that he’ll never want to see you naked again. When he tells you that he needs you to either have the tattoo removed or inked over with a new design, accuse him of trying to squelch your personal expression and tell him it’s over. You might have to live with that hideous tattoo on your pelvis for a while before you can save enough money to have it lasered off, but no one said breaking up was easy.
The next time you and your boyfriend are heading out together for a nice dinner, wrap your arms tight around his waist like you still enjoy touching his body. He’ll be distracted by the sudden affection, and that’s when you drop the baggy of uncut heroin into his coat pocket. When you arrive at the restaurant, excuse yourself to go to the ladies’ room and call the police from a pay phone to give them an anonymous tip about the drug pusher sitting at table number 12.
The police will arrive, inspect your boyfriend’s pockets, and take your boyfriend away for possession with intent to distribute. At this point you have two options. You can either express horror that he would ever be in possession of drugs and break up with him on the spot because you can’t stay with someone who would poison our nation’s youth like that. Or you can tell him you’ll stand by him, then after he’s been in jail for a few days write him a letter saying you’re not as strong as you thought and you’ve started lining up some dates. Either way, your boyfriend’s about to be given a life sentence of not-being-your-boyfriend-anymore with no option for parole!
Tell your boyfriend that you can’t see him anymore because you just found out that he’s your long lost biological son, who you put up for adoption when you were a promiscuous yet pro-life thirteen-year-old, and so you and he should break up because you’re his mother and you say so. Your boyfriend will protest that his parents never told him he was adopted. Tell him they clearly didn’t want him to feel unwanted, so they lied to him.
“Don’t blame them,” say to him. “I’m the one you should blame. I’ve always made a point of never dating anyone thirteen years younger than me to avoid possibly having sex with my biological son. But I made an exception with you because I felt like we had a real connection. I just didn’t realize that the connection was based on the fact that you used to live inside my vagina.”
Your boyfriend will be horrified that he’s spent all this time having a wildly uninhibited sexual relationship with his biological mother. Tell him you realize it’s disgusting and you really think it’s best if you both start seeing other people.
A few days later your boyfriend will confront you with proof that you aren’t his mom, showing you photos of his real mom holding him in the hospital. Tell him you guess you got it wrong, but that this whole “thinking he was your son” thing has kind of ruined the mood sexually, so you still think you two should see other people. It is almost guaranteed that he will agree.
Don’t just launch into a tirade. Be subtle at first. When you’re having conversations with your boyfriend, just let slip the occasional racist comment every now and then. Say things like, “I’m actually really proud of my ethnicity, since it’s the best.” Or, “I bet my neighbors are glad someone of my skin color and ancestry lives on their block.” Then raise the heat a little with lines like, “People who are a different color than me are lazy.” And, “They should build big walls everywhere to make people who don’t look like me have to use ladders to get in. Make them climb for it!”
Your boyfriend will probably object to your sudden racism. He’ll say he clearly didn’t know the real you and he’ll suggest that you two part ways. It’s possible, though, that your boyfriend will reveal that he’s been secretly racist all along but he was afraid you two weren’t on the same page, and now he loves you even more. Don’t worry. Just shout at him, “I knew it! I was just testing you, Mr. Racist. I would never date a bigot so we’re history now!”
No matter what your boyfriend says to you, whether it be, “I’ve never met anyone like you before and I think I’m in love with you,” or “The hospital just called. My brother is dead. Hold me,” you have to repeat it right back at him in a mocking, high-pitched girly voice. He’ll at first ask you why you’re making fun of him, and your response will be to repeat his question in a high-pitched girly voice. Then he’ll tell you to stop doing that, which is your cue to repeat what he said in a high-pitched girly voice. Finally he’ll shout, “Jesus what’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m trying to have a serious conversation here? I thought we loved each other.” At which point you should say, “Jesus what’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I’m trying to have a serious conversation here? I thought we loved each other,” in a high-pitched girly voice. After about twenty minutes he will most likely throw something at the wall and then take off running. You could run after him, mocking his stride with a limp-wristed girly run, but it’s best to just give him some time to himself right now.
If you want to make your last day with your boyfriend special, drive him out to the beach on a beautiful afternoon, telling him, “I really want you to see something. It’s really important.” Your boyfriend will go with you because unlike you, he still enjoys your relationship.
Sit him down on a sand dune, open up a picnic basket, pour him some wine and slice him up a plate of cheese. He’ll eventually ask you what you wanted to show him. Just say, “Look up at the sky.”
That’s when the skywriter you hired should get going with the message you dictated to him:
ITS OVER. IM SORRY. I HAVE REALLY ENJOYED OUR TIME TOGETHER, BUT PEOPLE CHANGE, YOU KNOW? IT’S THE NATURE OF LIFE. WE GROW. WE CHANGE. WE LOVE. WE LOSE. THANK YOU FOR THE TIME YOU’VE GIVEN ME, YOU DEAR SWEET BOY. THIS MESSAGE WAS VERY EXPENSIVE.
Once the message is complete and filling up the sky with its billowy sorrow, your boyfriend will ask you how much it cost. Tell him it was $15 bucks per letter, plus $5 each for punctuation. He’ll say, “If you were willing to spend all that money, I can see how important it is to you that we break up. Thank you for making our last day together as memorable as the first.” If he offers to pay half for the skywriting, don’t take him up on it because it’s a trap.
If you want to break up with a boy who was recently elected President of the United States by a narrow margin, do it at the inauguration. Right in the middle of the swearing in, just drop the bible to the ground and shout, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry, I just don’t feel what I used to feel for you. And now with this whole First Lady thing about to kick into high gear, I just think we should call it quits before I get dug in with a bunch initiatives.” Then run away from the inauguration stage, steal a car and get the hell out of Washington.
It will be cruel, but in the end your ex will see it was for the best. Since he just barely won the election, he would have been going into office without much of a mandate, and his approval rating would have hovered around 50% on a good day. But after the whole world watches you ruin his big day, their sympathy for him will send his approval rating through the roof. Legislation that normally would have been stonewalled by Congress will sail right through simply because they want to make him feel a little better after the way he got his heart broke. Hostile nations will postpone their terrorist attacks, because they’ll realize that no amount of explosives could ever match the kind of surprise assault you exacted upon the President’s heart. He will be remembered as having one of the most productive and successful presidencies in history, all because you decided to dump him just a few minutes before he took office.
Want to break up without an ugly confrontation? Anytime you see your boyfriend approaching you, start running in the opposite direction. No matter where you are or what you happen to be doing, if he sees you and makes a move to talk to you, book it. You want to run away from him before he has a chance to confront you about why you’re always running away. The first few times, your boyfriend will chase after you, but eventually he’ll get winded and he’ll decide that he deserves better than a girlfriend who just sprints away every time she sees him. This will leave you in excellent physical shape to start playing the field again.
